Well I'm here. I've been here for the past four days and I can say with all my heart that this mall is one of the most confusing things I've ever seen. I can't quite figure out it's purporse or value to these people. This is a building that covers over SIX MILLION SQUARE FEET!!! A mall! Six million square feet?!?! This polyp on the local economy comes complete with a waterpark (with the world's largest indoor wave pool), an amusement park (with the world's largest indoor roller coaster), a car wash, an aquarium, a bungee jump pad, a firing range, an ice rink, a casino, eight hundred retail stores, and of course, a comedy club that yours truly is headlining for five nights. And for those of you that know me, this could not be more of an awkward pairing. I'm agoraphobic. I'm not a fan of cologne. I despise slow walkers. And most of all, I'm not a big fan of things that seem belch natural resources.
I find myself wandering through it's halls before each show muttering in disbelief at the excess of it all. How does a building like this operate efficiently during weather that rivals Winnipeg and Anchorage for shittiest in North America? It's open year round. The water and air heated to a tropical level during the eight months that Old Man Winter slams it's icy cock into the mouths of every Edmontonian. Average, AVERAGE, winter temps reach 10degrees F. With windchill, this city regularly spends days in the -10 to -20 range. How can they afford to keep this running?
Oh yeah, they have a lot of money. Oil money. The best kind of money there is in a first world country. A fact they continue to make abundantly clear, often referring to this place as North Texas. What the fail to remember is that everyone fucking hates Texas. Well, except people from Texas. But, honestly, who the fuck cares what they think?
"Don't you like it even a little bit, Ben?" No. I fucking don't. "Why? It's just a mall." No, The Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua, New Hampshire is just a mall. The Cherry Creek Mall in Colorado is just a mall. This is a building that covers 48 city blocks. This is a large town. A large town encased in cement and glass, heated and cooled depending on time of year. A large town with zero infrastructure. A large town just designed for people who can afford to hang out there. A large town that's only function is to funnel more money out of hard working private business owners pockets and into PetSmart's, Sears', Victoria's Secrets', Abercrombie's, and Earl's quarterly earning schedule.
I wonder how much money is being sent towards the mall and away from Jasper or Whyte Ave., two areas that contain more privately held shops, bars, and eateries.
"But Ben, those are outdoors. During the winter the weather is too shitty to be outside." Fine, don't live in Edmonton. Look at the fucking map. Of course it's fucking cold, it's the far North. You see how on the map there's more dots with little names beside them the further south you go. That's because normal people choose not to live on the tundra. You want a giant wave pool, head 1500 miles to the west or 2000 miles to the east, there's a giant one waiting for you. You wanna make a ton of money, turn this into an outpost and work for six months out of the year before returning south for the other six to sit in the warmth.
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