So, last week a bored and surprisingly non-concussed, Rep. Paul Davis of the Maine State Legislature, took time out of his busy, publicly elected and compensated, day to propose that my ovoid brethren of Maine pass a bill making the "Whoopie Pie" the state dessert. Can you believe time and effort went into this? I'm appalled there will be a debate on this issue. Hey Paul, you're a douche-bag! What's a whoopie pie, Ben? A whoopie pie is a baked good consisting of a creamy, white frosting smashed between two round pieces of chocolate cake. Perfect for ensuring that the 59% of Maine's population considered to be overweight or obese (a number that has risen 100% in 17 years), or the 36% of the State's kindergartners with a BMI in the 85th percentile, or the 25% of overweight high schoolers, continue to have the perfect confectionery wheels to put on the heifer bus to diabetes town. I mean, why even try to hide your intentions of not setting a precedent for change? Why not make the state dessert methamphetamine and unprotected sex? Why couldn't we suggest the blueberry be the state dessert? Or perhaps a brisk walk?
I'm not attacking food items as the source of our dietary problems in this country. I fully believe it is up to parents and the individual to make positive choices. Whenever my son asks for a sugary treat, I burn him with a cigarette. This effectively kills two potentially dangerous habits with one stone; eating sweets and trusting me. Regardless, I do feel that the state government should be the model for what is best for its constituents. If you're a state launching a school program to reduce the availability of sugars and fats in an effort to try and curb the single greatest health threat to our culture, you ought not make your state animal, bacon.
Perhaps the most troubling part of this, and I'm not trying to point out the obvious, but time was taken out of a day to propose this. If you're a politician and it hasn't been spelled out to you yet, let me be the first; everyone hates you!!! EVERYONE! Republican, Democrat, Muslim, Hari Krishna; we'd all gladly use you to sandbag New Orleans against further storms if we thought the water wouldn't seep through the holes in your pockets. You're now below mimes on the social-ladder. Most children are taught to get in a van with a strange, candy-wielding, man before ever taking a job as a congressional page. At least if you survive the van ride, it will drop you off near your home after the diddling.
The majority of you spineless, pandering, ass-shafts spend your entire campaigns talking about how different you are, and how you'll "be the change Washington needs", only to turn around and spend hours of a taxpayer funded day proposing a bill to make the cod piece the state garment.
So Paul, if you're reading this, which given how much free time you appear to have, you probably are, I believe the order of your regular agenda while in office should be: 1. Fix everything because it's all fucked. 2. Draft up asinine, insensate, moron gaiety to bring attention to my feeble, sun starved part of the earth. The day that happens, I'll bring the cake.
